is it normal to get angry with yourself for experiencing ptsd symptoms ?
im 30, have bpd and ptsd, iam awaiting therapy, i have lived a very tough, traumatic life.
i suffer with bad anxiety and panic which causes me to isolate myself….i only venture out if i have to go someplace.
i suffer with distrust and paranoia about people because of alot of bullying and victimization in my life.
i deal with anger, rage and aggressive feelings relating to bottled up anger when i was bullied earlier in my life…..i used to have aggressive outbursts in public an humiliate and embarress myself…pick fights with people…like impulsively go into a rage.
ive improved greatly and dont have rage outbursts in public anymore, but i still have the feelings that i need to address with therapy.
however im still a nervous wreck with my panic and anxiety…can be very unconfident whilst outside…hyper vigillant…panicky…if i perceive any threat it can ignite a rage attack…so i have to work hard to be in control.
i struggle to make eye contact & feel very anxious most
times….if i perceive a threat say outside i start to panic and feel out of control..and i feel scared.
i never manage to appear confident even though that is what i try desperatly to do, i feel i fail miserably and everyone can see that im frightened etc.
if another male makes eye contact i can perceive it as a threat, then i look nervously away, but then feel enraged and angry because i feel ive allowed myself to be manipulated.
and if im outside i feel that everyone can see im afraid or scared and are laughing about it or getting off on it.
this is when i start to lose it and get angry with myself and other people, it triggers rage…because in someway i feel ive been humiliated.
i get flashbacks to assaults ive suffered, bullying ive suffered, where i was shown up and embarressed in public.
how can i not feel angry if i feel ive let myself down in public or others are perceiving i look scared or frightened etc ?
is it because i care too much about my image and what others think ?
im constantly wrestling with my past and feel i suffer with a ” their doing it to me ” victim type mentality which i feel triggers the rage.