is it normal to get angry with yourself for experiencing ptsd symptoms ?
im 30, have bpd and ptsd, iam awaiting therapy, i have lived a very tough, traumatic life.
i suffer with bad anxiety and panic which causes me to isolate myself….i only venture out if i have to go someplace.
i suffer with distrust and paranoia about people because of alot of bullying and victimization in my life.
i deal with anger, rage and aggressive feelings relating to bottled up anger when i was bullied earlier in my life…..i used to have aggressive outbursts in public an humiliate and embarress myself…pick fights with people…like impulsively go into a rage.
ive improved greatly and dont have rage outbursts in public anymore, but i still have the feelings that i need to address with therapy.
however im still a nervous wreck with my panic and anxiety…can be very unconfident whilst outside…hyper vigillant…panicky…if i perceive any threat it can ignite a rage attack…so i have to work hard to be in control.
i struggle to make eye contact & feel very anxious most
times….if i perceive a threat say outside i start to panic and feel out of control..and i feel scared.
i never manage to appear confident even though that is what i try desperatly to do, i feel i fail miserably and everyone can see that im frightened etc.
if another male makes eye contact i can perceive it as a threat, then i look nervously away, but then feel enraged and angry because i feel ive allowed myself to be manipulated.
and if im outside i feel that everyone can see im afraid or scared and are laughing about it or getting off on it.
this is when i start to lose it and get angry with myself and other people, it triggers rage…because in someway i feel ive been humiliated.
i get flashbacks to assaults ive suffered, bullying ive suffered, where i was shown up and embarressed in public.
how can i not feel angry if i feel ive let myself down in public or others are perceiving i look scared or frightened etc ?
is it because i care too much about my image and what others think ?
im constantly wrestling with my past and feel i suffer with a ” their doing it to me ” victim type mentality which i feel triggers the rage.
Yes it is. I have suffered alot of abuse and abandonment in my life aswell and suffer from ptsd anxiety bi-polar and used to struggle with my past alot. My little sister was sick when she was a baby and as a result is deaf epileptic slightly autistic and had alot of other health problems and my mother could not handle this and became very depressed which resulted in her drinking taking drugs going in and out of psychiatric institutions and bringing home alot of different unstable and at times psychotic men whom raped and physically assaulted me for many years and just as i had started to deal with the many problems that i had due to this i lost my only two children to SIDS (cot death) with in 2 years of each other and i was only 16 yo at the time and was angry all of the time after that for a few years. Since then i have been seeing a psychiatrist and have done alot of hours in therapy at first i didn’t think it would do any good but now i am alot better and can handle most situations without fretting too much in fact this is the first time i have been comfortable talking with someone whom i am not extremely close to other than my psychiatrist about these problems ever so i suggest that you go to see a psychiatrist about these feelings and stay in therapy and no matter how bad you think things are going just stick with it because eventually you will get there
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