Have you ever wanted to attack your social worker/therapist?
Have you ever just for no reason get up from where you were sitting and attack him or her?
I just feel like doing that everytime I am at a session. I feel like the only way the day is going to end. Is that I attack him. I just feel like getting up and just attacking.
Like I would be in the room with him. And I just feel like going up there and attacking him so I can go to jail.
I have always wondered what it feels like to be in jail.
First of all, I’m autistic..or at least I was as a child. I know what it’s like to go through the social service conveyor belt employed by drones who could really care less about their jobs and the people they’re supposed to be helping.
One of the most empowering realisations you can have is that most people scared little children…angry and dead inside. The only difference is that they know how to hide it more efficiently.
If you’re a loner like me, I don’t think jail would be the best place for you. If you hate the imposed rigidity of society at large…take that and amplify it about 5 times in prison. No privacy..and any sign of weakness results in repeated rape and assault. If no one is going to help you in the system, don’t look at jail as three meals and board..because it was only that way 50 years ago. Today it is a haven for ethnic gangsters, the drug trade, and the lowest common denominator. If you go into a prison not being one of them, you’ll end up dead or one of them by the time you leave.
Whatever it is that has left you in the position your in right now, it probably has a lot to do with someone exploiting your vulnerabilities..either as a child where a guardian/parent has abused you, or bad relationships (or both). You’ve been molded into that shape and you are a magnet for yet more of the same reactions and treatment from others.
One way I’ve learned to deal with people is to divorce myself from society at large. Outside of work…which has taken years for me to adjust to…I simply avoid unnecessary interaction. Now that I’m a little older I’m learning the angles by which to deal with people…those same vulnerabilities that they go out of their way to hide. I’ve always “seen” those in other people, I’ve just never been able to make use of that knowledge because I never liked being exploited for my own.
But after years of sanctioning, I’ve realised that I will never be the “good guy”. However, I NEVER have that drive to do what the kids have done in school shootings. I used to, especially in High School, but I don’t anymore and haven’t for several years because I can see the same sadness, insecurity and isolation in others, and that completely diffuses the agressive side of the anger I’ve had.
Sometimes, others have backstabbed me because they knew i could see under their veil..and that made me a threat. That takes a lot of the wind out of the desire to think “good thoughts” and be positive. I realise that sometimes you have to fight back, but there are more intellectual ways of doing so…and considering the deficit of intellect in modern society..that is a whole territory to exploit that no one else around you will touch.
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